1.) Turn to the eating disorder I've had for ten years and been fighting for the last two. I either binge or try to starve myself (which always ends in a binge). When that fails, I resort to another option:
2.) I shop.
If you've been reading my blog in the last few weeks (thank you!) you'll know we bought a condo (yay!). We did everything right and proper, put 20% down, conforming, etc. But in an attempt to save money we went with the 15 year mortgage instead of the 30 year. Now that we crunch the numbers, the amount left over to save at the end of each month is definitely not what it was when we were renting.
For the first time in years I really, really have to cut down my expenses. In the long term.
Ordinarily I wouldn't say this was a huge problem. We have no credit card debt and have solid retirement savings. In graduate school I lived for 1.5 years on $1000 a month, paying $600 of that in rent. I used to know how to be frugal.
But as I recover more from my eating disorder I've found myself turning more to shopping as my 'coping skill' for handling the anxieties in my life. I go through the binge/restrict cycle maybe a couple times a month now and it used to be two or three times a week. So now what do I turn to two or three times a week? Let's see...amazon.com, target.com, macys.com, barnesandnoble.com...
Now is a bad time for my primary coping skill to be shopping. I feel like I can't be happy now without shopping.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, I am my mother after all.
My mom coped with my dad's insults and lack of affection by acquiring and hoarding. Even though he's gotten treatment for his mental health difficulties, her hoarding hasn't improved. It's only gotten worse since my grandmother's death. It's her coping skill the way my eating disorder is my coping skill. There is one good thing about being a child of a hoarder and having hoarding tendencies myself: that I can see where my habits will lead me if I don't break them. Great incentive to change, huh?
I expected to be farther along on my path to living a simpler and more meaningful life before I had the shopping 'crutch' ripped out from under me. But it looks like it's time to dive in and swim. And this, dear readers, is why I'm thrilled to have found all of you. I know several of you have struggled with similar issues and your blogs are great sources of information and inspiration to me. In particular, Megyn at Minimalist Mommi has shown me that those of us who struggle with depression and other issues are not alone and that learning a minimalist lifestyle can help us escape the grasp of these happiness-devouring disorders. I will get there, one blog post at a time.
"The secret of happiness, you see, is not found in seeking more, but in developing the capacity to enjoy less.”
- Socrates
~joanna
maybe writing here whenever you feel like you're falling back into one of your coping habits could help you...and if not at least you can release the "pressure" after...
ReplyDeleteI don't think your problems can be solved in a blink of an eye so don't be too hard on yourself if you fall: keep trying! we'll be here to support you :)
thanks yliharma, I truly appreciate your good wishes and your support!
DeleteThank you for such an honest post. I think dysfunctional shopping is more common than we care to admit. SO many have struggled with it at one point or another. I went a bit manic -crazy late in my pregnancy and after my daughter was born. There was definitely too much shopping. I'm glad it was brought on by the hormonal changes (mostly, as I am the kind of person who will get super excited about projects and new hobbies and endeavors..) and I have since recovered. Funnily I have always been a natural minimalist. SO I couldn't stand the excess.. I started reading the great blogs I found on how minimalism and simple living will set you free and it just clicked. I was not crazy in hating the clutter and excess, though it was crazy to accumulate it (piles of kid clothes for my unborn daughter, tons of supplies for a new hobby..) as I should have known myself better, that I really can not feel peaceful unless my home is sparse and with not much else beyond basic necessities. I want to tell you that there is hope.. What helps is if you find a passion elsewhere. My passion is my family and simple living and God, and being free from the tyranny of the materialist society and from vain ambition.. Living life freely in the moment. That's it. Shopping addiction is a self-created cage. You can break it!
ReplyDeletePony Rider, thank you for sharing your story. It really helps to know that I'm not alone. And to realize that I need to be extra careful when I get pregnant! :o) I do need to work on finding a passion, on figuring out who I am, and not using my weight or my things to define myself. Slow and steady...and congratulations to you on regaining your focus. I can do it because others have too.
DeleteYou are not your mother. You may have learned how to deal with stress (by shopping) from her, but there's a difference. You are aware of this and making the effort to change how you handle things. That's the first step to changing how you deal with things. I think a lot of us with clutter problems have (at least to some degree) addictive personalities and as we get better at controlling one aspect, it sometimes manifests in another area. I think it's a matter of finding a healthy thing to put that focus on. I know I tend to get obsessive about things. I started decluttering and I often stop myself from just clearing off whole shelves at once and packing it all up. I'm not the most patient person. lol I decide to do something, I want it done NOW. But life is a process. Maybe make it harder for yourself to buy online so it takes a bit longer and you have more chance to rethink the purchase - delete your credit card info from these sites so you'll have to enter it in each time to buy something? I won't say I've stopped shopping entirely, but I'm questioning myself more on things these days and more often put items back rather than buying them and usually put things into a digital cart if shopping online and make myself come back later to "buy" it after I've had time to rethink it.
ReplyDeleteKaren, it's really refreshing to hear that I'm not my mother (someone I don't hear often from myself, and definitely don't hear from my family or my mother's friends!) Your comment boils down to one thing for me, and that's to develop a plan. I know I can work through this if I take it one thought-out step at a time. Thank you for your support and kind words!
DeleteI just want to tell you how I enjoy your posts and your honesty, and wish you good luck with this challenge in your life. Writing is good therapy, I think. The commenters above make some very good points as well.
ReplyDeletethanks for the support jenny_o. I appreciate it that you're encouraging me to write and be open :o) Thank you for listening!
DeleteI'm SO happy you've found a fellow struggler here! You are so wise to understand how your shopping is affected by your feelings. I too use shopping as a crutch at times (like when I'm happy or bored). I'm finding now that I can window shop. A LOT. And I'm not buying. There's a lot of research on changing habits out there, and most say, find what your trigger is, and find a new way to respond to it that feels as gratifying as the original habit. I'm still trying to find out what habits are as gratifying as my original habits...and that won;t turn into compulsions. Keep it up! You know I'm always around if you need to vent :)
ReplyDeleteThanks Megyn! Likewise :o)
DeleteSimplifying and turning our negative thoughts into energy to throw into new healthy habits is wonderful! The best news is that you can recognize your triggers. I am such a denial nut. I'm trying to get better though and reading your inspirational posts helps tremendously!! Keep it up and vent if you need too :)
ReplyDeleteThat's exactly why I love blogs, it's like having a support network! We can all find people going through the same types of things, and find ideas about how we can improve ourselves. Glad you're enjoying my posts. I think a "healthy habits" or a "things to do besides acquiring" post might be in the works for me!
DeleteI'm so glad you wrote this. I'm pretty overwhelmed today and needed a good honest read. There are so many of us out here struggling with the same difficulties. My heart goes out to you (and me)!
ReplyDelete