As we were packing up to move, I found a pair of Gram's shoe orthotics. These were the custom-made kind, meaning they had been molded from casts of her feet.
This also means they are completely useless to anyone but her. But they were made from her and that's why I kept them.
We all have an item or items we gravitate towards after someone we love dies. We want to keep the object. But, would they have wanted you to keep it?
As I've talked to people who have lost loved ones I've found that most people can still "hear" the voice of the deceased person. Not that they're hallucinating, but that they remember what the person's voice sounded like. They remember what that person likely would have said in a certain situation. Let the memory of their voice and their responses help you declutter.
Gram was a minimalist. She was very frugal. But she also knew when something was really not usable anymore. She would not have wanted me to keep something that couldn't help anyone and would just take up space. I can almost hear her telling me, "For heaven's sake, sweetheart, they're no good to anyone else. You should get rid of them."
Out they go. Item #56, Gram's orthotics.
I knew that Gram wanted me to get rid of these things. But what do you do if you feel that your relative would have wanted you to keep the item in question?
Hang on to it for the moment. There is no pressure to do this quickly. We'll take a look at this problem in an upcoming Grief and Clutter post. Like grieving itself, you will deal with grief clutter when you are ready to deal with it.
My mom passed away four years ago. We have dealt with some of her things, but there is still lots left because my dad is still living in their house. But he is planning on selling it in the coming years because it's too big for one person and he doesn't enjoy taking care of the yard alone either. I have a cardigan that mom had knit for herself and she wore it all time. I put it on the day she died, when we went to their house from the hospital, and I keep wearing a lot, and it feels comforting to me. I don't need to keep everything, just things that have special meaning or are actually useful to me. It makes me love her and miss her no less.
ReplyDeleteGood advice. I have a hard time with personal items.
ReplyDeleteI'm going through grief right now and deciding what things to keep and let go is challenging.
ReplyDeleteThat's a great picture of your grandmother's orthotics. Keep the picture in a digital album. Let go of the actual orthotics.
Great advice -- done! Now, to let go of more of her shoes...
DeleteThis is a tough one. I have a glass dish that my grandma gave me. It was her parents. It's nothing special. I don't even really like it much, but I can't get rid of it. It's only one of two things I have that were hers. She kept so much of her family's furniture and other things, that I think she would want me to keep this item. Maybe when I go back to my aunt's I can trade it for something else. I'd love to have a piece of jewelry of hers, even though she wasn't too into that kind of stuff.
ReplyDeleteYour story shows how important it is to recognize whether we actually like something when we decide to keep/trash. Sometimes I have to use an item for a different purpose to make it worth keeping.
DeleteIf you like jewelry but don't like the dish, maybe you could (I know, gasp) have the dish broken and a piece made into a pendant or earrings if you can't trade for a bracelet? This woman makes jewelry out of broken plates, and it says she's worked with glass: http://ibreakplates.com/about/
Good luck!
This is probably one of the toughest topics. I sometimes feel so guilty for giving away something of sentimental value. It's almost as though the memories live in the item. I know this is not true, but it's getting to the point where you can let it go and just thrive off of the good memories themselves. Great picture to hold onto though. I love ideas of a digital album for things like this.
ReplyDelete"...the memories don't live in the item." What a great way to summarize it! I also like using a scrapbook where I can write down the memories I have related to an item, and draw or add a photo if I feel the need. Thanks for commenting!
DeleteThat is a wonderful story.
ReplyDeleteI am sad to say that I can't hear my father's voice anymore... 22 years later. I remember his advice though and it serves me well for surviving life's little challenges. But I can remember my grandmother's british voice especially her laugh. My family isn't one for passing anything down (even photos were lost) so I tend to cling to the things my husband's family has left behind. A bad habit that I am breaking myself of piece by piece.
Wow, they don't pass anything down? Impressive. May work for some, but I feel like we have to give ourselves permission to keep at least a few things. Objects do connect us to memories and make them seem more real. It would be wrong to deprive ourselves of that connection. The challenge is to avoid being trapped by the (piles of) objects. Too many and suddenly nothing is special.
DeleteThanks for commenting!
I have had to overcome in the opposite direction. My mother believed in saving everything. Now that I'm dealing with her stuff I have to remember her stuff isn't her, it's stuff. I can hear her saying keep it, don't get rid of that when I know very well it's not something I want or need ::sigh::
ReplyDeleteSounds like you have a good sense of what to keep and what to get rid of, though! My other grandmother is the same way your mother is. The need to save is so ingrained in the Great Depression generation that it's hard to hear our own rational voices that look at emotional cost, not just financial. Hard work (I need more practice), keep at it! I'd love any tips you have on handling this one. I'm sure lots of folks who read could use them. Thanks for commenting!
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