Tuesday, June 18, 2013

New address, new name

No, I didn't suddenly go get married again. But I'm sure you've noticed that the blog has changed its name and its URL, I have a pen name, and you can probably guess why. The family is on to me, thanks to a mistake I made. I *think* they may have found the blog, but I'm not completely sure. They did get hold of my eating disorder recovery journal and demanded that it disappear. This was preceeded by an argument between my mother and myself about her anxiety issues and the issues of abuse that related to my father after she had an hours-long attack of paranoia.  I wrote about it in the ED journal. My sister's response was to say, 'how dare you shed light on this problem! now I have to hide the truth again and I think you're a horrible person for making me do that!'. She is a classic enabler. She lives in the hoarded house and does the cooking (of course no cleaning), shopping, and excuse-making for them in exchange for free rent, free use of a car, and 3500 square feet full of crap to treat as her own.  She has long seen to it that my parents can continue their destructive behavior and I don't think I could look her in the eye without spitting in it. We rarely interacted to begin with and typically it was to argue over our parents' behavior, with her defending them all the way. She is dead to me now.

After a long discussion with my absolutely amazing therapist, we agreed that it is also time for me to be officially estranged from my parents. My recovery is more important than any interaction with them. It took a while to come to that decision as I have spent the last few years trying to have a "good" relationship with my mother. But my therapist helped me see that every interaction with my mother in the last year has been filled with little else but complaints from her about life, and blaming everything else for her problems in life.  This always left me depressed, having to spend time undoing my mother's constant messages of doom and gloom. Depression has played a major role in my eating disorder and I can't be dragged back down into that.

In a year or two I may try to re-establish connections to my parents on an individual basis, and only seeing them in neutral locations or in my own home (where I can kick them out when they do stuipd, disordered things.) I will not see them together again for a long, long time. they will not be allowed to discuss the other person in my presence. I'm taking a minimum of nine months to give myself time to heal.  I don't care if my mother gets help or not. I will see them when I'm ready. This will hurt her, I'm sure. But I'm tired of being hurt by her. I'm tired of her exaggerations, of the worsening hoarding, of her denial of her problems, of her paranoia.

They can yell, they can scream, they can blame it on me, but I won't stop talking. I won't let them silence me about the emotional damage from the hoarding. They can and will tell me I'm a horrible human being.  I won't let them silence me about the physical abuse. I won't let them silence me about my sister's enabling behavior. I won't let them silence me about my mother's worsening anxiety, depression, and hoarding.

I will not stay silent about the role all of these things have played in perpetuating my eating disorder. Silence lets the abusers win. So, dear readers, my name is now Zoe Tucker. I'm a child of hoarders and I Don't Hoard is my blog about that experience. It looks a little different but it's the same as the IWBAHT blog from before. If you're here for the first time, welcome.

My eating disorder recovery journal will not be linked to this blog, but please comment if you would like its new URL and I'll send you a message.  I'll be away for the next two weeks on vacation but when I return, it'll be with a vengance. And I will be posting the final set of pictures from the hoarded house before I move on with a blog that focuses on moving on in my life without the destructive family members.

Today is my day and I have an awesome future ahead of me. I have great friends, an incomprehensibly amazing husband, a wonderful home (and a new guitar too!!! squee!!). I live in a great place and I get to do wonderful things at work and in my free time. I will not think of worst-case scenarios. I will recover from my eating disorder and enjoy life more than ever, and I won't let them bring me down.

You got what it takes you can win
Today is your day to begin
Don't give up here, don't you quit
The moment is now, this is it
If you know that you can then you will
Get to the top of the hill
Part of the fun is the climb
You just gotta make up your mind

That today is your day
And nothing can stand in your way
Today is your day
Everything's going your way
Today, today, today, today

When somebody throws sticks and stones
All they can break are your bones
And life's gonna kick you around
Then kick you again when you're down

But today is your day
And nothing can stand in your way
Today is your day
Everything's going your way
Today, today, today, today

Life's gonna kick you
It's gonna kick you around
It's gonna kick you down

Brush yourself up, no regrets
This is as good as it gets
Don't expect more or less
Just go out and give it your best

Today is your day
And nothing can stand in your way
Today is your day
Everything's going your way
Today, today, today, today

"today is your day" by shania twain

Sunday, June 16, 2013