This is what relapse looks like

So my mother came and visited us last weekend. There are no words besides "epic disaster" that can describe what happened.

I stopped talking to my mother last June. She got into a car accident which then launched her into a panic attack in which she repeated "Your father's going to divorce me" over and over again. For eight hours, until I went home. My father has been emotionally abusive my whole life, but I also forced him to get medicated back in 2005. This "I don't like what you did, now I'm divorcing you and leaving you with nothing" behavior was typical and frequent of him before he was medicated, but not really afterwards.

So, a week later, I checked with my uncle. My uncle said that indeed my father had said that he was going to divorce my mother and that he would be out of the house by August. At that point, I wrote my mother a letter saying that I was going to take some time for myself. When I was ready I would contact her. I ignored my father because he'd made it pretty clear over the years that I didn't matter much.

A month ago or so I figured that I should contact my mom before I go to Spain. I figured things would be alright since, after all, my eating disorder had been behaving very well since I stopped talking to my family.

So my mother came to visit and dumps on me some new information: no, my father never actually threatened to divorce her this time. All the info I used to make a decision to cut them both off was apparently false.

Or was it? I trust my uncle more than I trust my parents. I still haven't been able to get hold of my uncle.

Unfortunately, I have been able to get my hands on lots of food. I binged seven days straight after my mother left. My binges were so bad that I gained seven pounds in that week. In the entire history of my eating disorder, no binge lasted longer than four days. This was singularly the worst binge I've had in thirteen years.

So why did I binge? I wanted to numb the feelings of confusion, anxiety and deceit. I can't trust either one of my parents. At that point in time we also had decided not to go to Williamsburg, so I had no motivation to run or to try to eat healthy. I completely threw in the towel.

My dietician has been very helpful. She made it clear that anytime I interact with my parents, I need to be prepared to deal with ED screaming at me for a good week afterwards, not just hours or days. I'm seeing both her and my therapist this week.

And I think it may be time for another letter to my mother. I obviously need more time away from her.

Where debt and my eating disorder meet

Ever wanted to know what it's like to have a binge? Well, here you go.

*Trigger warning for those with eating disorders.**

from shirt.woot.com

This morning I continued a conversation with the Chief Engineer, one we've been having for a couple weeks now. Do we cancel our trip with my aunt and uncle to Williamsburg or not? Cancelling it will save between $200 and $300.

I absolutely love the foot race that's the reason we go to Williamsburg every year. The race in 2012 was the first time I completed an 8k while still struggling daily with my eating disorder. It was a huge win for me, proving that I can still run even though I'm not thin anymore. Last year it was even more special because I don't have a relationship with most of my family anymore, except for my aunt and uncle, and I got to spend a lot of time with them.

The CE and I informally came to the conclusion that Williamsburg is probably an unnecessary expense right now. It left me seriously depressed the whole morning. My mother is also coming to visit for this mother's day, though I'm still so angry that she refuses to divorce my abusive father that I can barely talk to her anymore.

By 10:00 this morning I was so upset and so unsure of what to do with my feelings. The idea of going to see my aunt and uncle at another time just doesn't seem to live up to the fun we always have in Williamsburg. And besides, ED says that if we we're not going, then I have no reason to stay in shape, right? No reason to eat well, right? Go ahead and binge.

And that's exactly what happened.

First it started with the chocolate in one cabinet. Then the chocolate in another. Then it turned into the ice cream in the freezer. Then to the chips. Then I stopped. I was more or less out of interesting food. At this point I turned to the vending machines, but stopped. I had promised myself that I would skip the vending machines until our debts were paid off. So that's what I did. I can spend $10-$20 on binge foods in a typical binge. I kept eating what was around the house. Telework days are not good for my eating disorder. My "no vending machine" rule also helped.

The Chief Engineer won't be home in time for dinner today which leaves me on my own. There's not too much interesting to eat at home, so hopefully this will help slow down or stop the binge. But I really want tomorrow to just get here and fast, so that I can make peace with not going to Williamsburg and figure out how to motivate myself to run or go to the gym without knowing I have a race to prepare for.

The obvious solution is to call up my uncle and just ask if we can visit a few times this summer. It just doesn't feel the same though. But I don't wanna.

What would you do? Go to Williamsburg because it's good for your mental stability? Or go to your aunt and uncle's place more often?

How to stick to your grocery budget when you've never been able to

I don't know about you, but I can NEVER stick to a grocery list when I go shopping. I always end up adding a few things to the cart that I forgot, or some items that looked so good that I could've sworn they were whispering "buy me!!" in my ear. 

But of course, right now we're trying to spend as little cash as possible because of our debt situation. Going off-list is not a luxury we have anymore. Besides, it's easy to waste food when you buy based on wants not needs. I'm proud to report that for the first time ever we kept to our grocery list! It ended up saving us a lot of money. Normally our grocery bills are around $150 (twice a month). This time?  Drumroll please.....we got all the food below for $95. 

Bok choi, canteloupe, two cans of tuna, organic carrots, bananas, green beans, a sack of oranges, six kiwi fruit, two zuchini, a benzoate-free salad dressing (yay, no allergic reaction for me!), two packages of English muffins....

1/2 gallon ice cream, 1 gallon milk, 1 tub butter, two gallons orange juice

Two large bags of frozen veg, and a pound each of sausage, pork mince and beef mince. 

How to Stick to your Grocery List when You've Never Been Able To

1. Bring a friend or spouse and keep each other accountable. When we shop, the Chief Engineer and point out to each other the things we chose that weren't on the list and then discuss whether we need to put the item back or not. 

2. Remember why you need to stay on track. I intentionally looked at my credit card statement and my bank account balances right before I went to the store. They reminded me how not good our financial situation is right now and those feelings were fresh in my mind when I went to shop. Extra motivation to behave! You could even write your credit card balance on your list, which should remind you of your priorities while you shop. 

3. Try shopping the store backwards. When you buy the frozen stuff first it gives you reason to get out of the store in a hurry because who wants melted ice cream? There's no time to browse for foods that might be interesting -- you just have to get in, get what you need, and get out. 

4. Use alternative transportation to get to the grocery store. The times where we've biked or taken the bus to the store we've bought far less than usual because we can only buy what we can carry. Oreos and other boxes of treats we don't need don't fit in the Chief Engineer's bike panniers!

5. Check what you've already got in the freezer to avoid buying duplicates. 'Nuff said.

6. Reward yourself for sticking to the list. Sometimes I'll add a treat food to my grocery list before I go. If I end up putting something I don't need in the cart, I'm no longer allowed to get the treat food.

7. Make a list of what to get next time while you're doing your current shopping. That way you'll know that you can have that item, just not right away. It then gives you time to think about whether or not you really want that item by the time you go to the store again.  

What's grocery shopping like for you? Do you stick to a list, and how?

Refrigerator archaeology

Growing up in a hoarded house, I never knew what I was going to find in my parents' fridge. Some food would be fresh, but most of it got shoved to the back and would stay there for months or even years. Needless to say, I try to keep my fridge from looking like my hoarder parents' fridge.

Today we took stock of the fridge. This is everything that had gone bad. 

I was pretty surprised, it was a lot of food! Half of this stuff I didn't even realize was in the fridge.  

Our fridge and freezer aren't that stuffed. 

My sister-in-law had an idea about this. She's an urban farmer who tries to make sure that she wastes practically nothing. She suggested that a whiteboard could help. Each week she lists out everything in the fridge and freezer and then makes her weekly meal plan. They scratch things off the list as they use foods during the week. At the end of the week they know what has to get used first for the next week.

I figured, why not? So I made a "whiteboard" (ha!) out of an old envelope and then we planned our meals for the week. We're much less likely to buy doubles of things if we know what we already have.

We'll see if this is a habit that sticks or whether I give it up. But it would be nice to waste less food, as food in D.C. is terribly pricey. 

How do you avoid food waste?

Getting out of debt step 3: cut the lifestyle creep

Have you ever experienced lifestyle creep? I sure have. I was once a grad student living in this tiny room you see here on a $1000/month. The room was $545 a month so I lived on $455 for the whole month, including food, textbooks, clothes, and anything else I needed or wanted.

Yes, that's the Duchess of Cornwall. She toured my dorm when she visited Philadelphia while I was in grad school, and my hallmates and I even got to have tea with her! But back to lifestyle creep. It's not just having tea with royalty that inflated my ego and my desire to spend. My first job took me to one of the top ten most expensive zip codes in the U.S. and I immediately felt like I had to live up to it.

Fancy clothes. A fancy address. Fancy hair. Fancy makeup. One woman actually walked around the office asking how many of us got our eyebrows professionally done. The fancy kitchen to keep up with a now former friend who constantly has the newest, fanciest stuff (and also still has an eating disorder that she has no intention of doing anything about.) Fancy music lessons. And last but not least, a fancy housekeeper. There's only one person in my office who doesn't have one.

My lifestyle needs to take a few hints from the way it was during grad school. This means that the following "creepers" in our current budget will go:

1. Guitar lessons. I just told my guitar teacher I want to do lessons every-other week instead of every week. Monthly savings: $100

2. Eyebrow waxing. I'll be skipping this until I get back from Spain. Monthly savings: $60

3. Housekeeper. I need to learn to do my own cleaning. Monthly savings: $100.

4. Clothing. I regularly spend about $150/month. Thank you, eating disorder, for a body that constantly changes size. I can shop at the thrift shop instead of The Limited from now on. Monthly savings: $100

5. Extra charity. I sponsor a child but right now I have to take care of me. I can always sponsor one again later. Savings: $38/month

Total monthly savings: $398!!

So, friends, has lifestyle creep ever happened to you?

Could you eat this?

Today the Chief Engineer and I enjoyed some free fun by biking to the US Science and Engineering festival downtown.

The things to see were pretty standard. Lots of 3D printers, plenty of liquid nitrogen demonstrations (dip a bottle of coke in the stuff and it explodes!), hands on models of solar panels and deep-space telescopes. That sort of thing. There was just one thing I didn't expect.

Crickets for lunch, anyone? 

Plain crickets not your thing? We've got cajun! Parmesan and ranch, too! 

I couldn't stomach it. I had to go hug this guy instead. 

And then laugh at the fact that this is what you do when you're Walmart and you have a public image problem.

You bring the most fuel efficient truck in existence to show off how much you care about the community. And to advertise obnoxiously. It was pretty interesting, though.

So we got in a 20 mile bike ride, had some fun and enjoyed the day together, all without spending a penny. And without any cricket appetizers, thank you. 

Could you have stomached the crickets? What's the most unusual thing you've ever eaten?

A plan to get out of debt -- steps 1 and 2

Friday was keep-Zoe-from-freaking-out day. The realization of our impending debt settled in. It was time to start making a plan.

Step 1: Make sure we have cash when we need it. 

I sat down with the calendar and figured out how much debt we'll have and when. We are at risk of overdrafting our bank account as early as next week. At our worst point, it looks like we'll be $4400 in debt by September with our current bills before we're able to start paying back our debts. What to do?

I stopped by the bank that manages our loan for the kitchen (~$4000 balance). It's a line of credit which means we can borrow against it again without having to take out a new loan. So I took another $5000 out of the loan. The loan balance is now $9000.

Step 2: Find cheaper credit than our credit cards. 

The line of credit is currently at 1.99% interest. Yay! But in October it goes up to 14% interest. That's still better than credit card interest rates. We may be able to do a balance transfer onto a zero percent interest card before that happens. We'll have to see how much we can pay off before then.


We're taken care of for the moment and our mortgage checks won't bounce now. More steps of our plan tomorrow!

Have you ever made a plan to get out of debt? What worked for you? Any suggestions would be appreciated.



p.s.

For your viewing pleasure, here's the progress on the kitchen I wanted so badly that's gotten us into all this mess.

a new problem and a confession

For a long while I've whined about my inability to spend money wisely. I was never in credit card debt. I spent a lot, usually everything I made, but not more.

Until now. 

You see, dear reader, for a while I've been living a lie. I am about to be in debt. The bad kind of debt. I've never had this happen before. We are fortunate to have a high income, I am married to a frugal person, I felt financially protected. We had a comfortable bank account. 

Then this year I started making really dumb, really expensive decisions. I'm pretty much the one in the family who 'manages' the finances and makes the decisions so the blame rests squarely on my shoulders. Here's how it happened.

"Let's just take down this one wall to improve the condo..." became "I want to redo the countertops." Which became, "now we have to do the backsplash." Then the dishwasher broke. Then the heater. Then I wanted a new stove. To distract myself from the insanity of my own depression I encouraged us to go skiing a half dozen times this year and to take one ski vacation. "Let's go to Texas." Next, "Let's take our usual vacation with my aunt and uncle to Williamsburg. "  Then we thought we wanted kids, and I really panicked. 

"I have to do one last thing before I'm tied down by children," I said. "I want to study in Spain again. See there's this one-month program..." 

So like I said, I've been living a lie. I talk about frugality and being cheap and efficient, meanwhile my wants have whittled our savings down to nothing. The remaining bills for kitchen renovations just came in. I did the math on all of our finances and with our typical spending we'll be somewhere between $3,000 and $5,000 in the hole by this summer IN ADDITION to the kitchen loan we already have. The new debt will likely come in the form of high-interest credit card debt. Assuming nothing else happens. That emergency fund I started to build will be gone. If my calculations are right it'll be December before we have enough saved to pay off everything and still leave enough to cover even one extra month's expenses.

Many of you know how much I adored my grandmother. A very frugal, very simple lady who retired at 60 with $300,000 to her name. She lived comfortably on that $300k until age 85. All I can think now is, how disappointed she would be in me. You don't need to tell me. I screwed up and I know it.

Where do I go from here? How do I get on track when I've never really been on track? I'm locked into the study abroad program so skipping out isn't an option. Serious suggestions are welcome. 

Another trip to the thrift shop

We made our last big trip to the thrift shop for a while (we hope!) as you can see here.

What all is here?

Bar stool that didn't fit under our table because I didn't measure first: $10

Hot/cold dip server from our wedding registry that we never used: $20

Two books we read and enjoyed: money well spent

Tree stand: got it free on freecycle

Blender/food processor combo: money well spent but it's too small for us now

Toolkit for a product I don't own (we bought the wrong one): $15

Blanket that was so static-y we couldn't use it: worth it for a while

Two baskets: free with presents

Quilt hoop from my wedding registry: $200

Total: $245 gone on 11 things that didn't work out for us.

One of which was the quilt hoop. I'd had such hopes that I would use it. But in the end I only quilted to stay connected to my deceased grandmother. I finally admitted to myself that I actually don't like quilting.

In total, it brings the Reckoning to

244 items decluttered

$3129 wasted on junk

At this point we're pretty much done the decluttering process. Yay!!  How should I celebrate? Hopefully now I can focus on learning to buy less stuff. Where are you in the decluttering process?

More stupid things I bought to make myself temporarily happy

Amazingly we found even more stuff to declutter this weekend. Unfortunately this batch was loaded with expensive stuff I never should've bought in the first place.

One pair of pants, four work blouses that are too worn to continue to wear at the office, and three pairs of shoes. I'm a recovering shoe addict, apparently. The black boots and the heels I bought because I was trying to be fashionable like Kate Middleton. I spent $130 for those two pairs together and all I got was blisters. Three shoes down and plenty left. Guess I'll have to count them at some point. After I find all of them.

Black boots plus nude heels: $130. Finding out that I wasn't a princess: priceless.

This pile of stuff included

1. An old keyboard that doesn't work with our laptops (free)
2. Cafeteria trays that I mentioned in a previous post
3. A creme brulee set my mother got me (free) 
4. Gloves that don't fit ($25 wasted)
5. Harry potter music for the cello (free from Mom)
6. A pile of old books (worth the money)
7. A grocery cart-like fruit basket (free from Mom)
8. Brown betty teapot, used twice ($25 wasted)
9. Pill case when I lost my first one and found it again ($3 wasted)
10. Small hydrapak, for storing water while on long bike rides ($50 wasted, I picked a style I hate)
11. Keen sandals ($70 wasted because they were the wrong size and I didn't return them)
12. Curling iron ($35 wasted)
13. Day planner ($16 wasted)
14. Barette ($5 wasted)

22 items gone, $359 down the drain. Sigh. 

What have you decluttered lately?