*Trigger warning for those with eating disorders.**
I absolutely love the foot race that's the reason we go to Williamsburg every year. The race in 2012 was the first time I completed an 8k while still struggling daily with my eating disorder. It was a huge win for me, proving that I can still run even though I'm not thin anymore. Last year it was even more special because I don't have a relationship with most of my family anymore, except for my aunt and uncle, and I got to spend a lot of time with them.
The CE and I informally came to the conclusion that Williamsburg is probably an unnecessary expense right now. It left me seriously depressed the whole morning. My mother is also coming to visit for this mother's day, though I'm still so angry that she refuses to divorce my abusive father that I can barely talk to her anymore.
By 10:00 this morning I was so upset and so unsure of what to do with my feelings. The idea of going to see my aunt and uncle at another time just doesn't seem to live up to the fun we always have in Williamsburg. And besides, ED says that if we we're not going, then I have no reason to stay in shape, right? No reason to eat well, right? Go ahead and binge.
And that's exactly what happened.
First it started with the chocolate in one cabinet. Then the chocolate in another. Then it turned into the ice cream in the freezer. Then to the chips. Then I stopped. I was more or less out of interesting food. At this point I turned to the vending machines, but stopped. I had promised myself that I would skip the vending machines until our debts were paid off. So that's what I did. I can spend $10-$20 on binge foods in a typical binge. I kept eating what was around the house. Telework days are not good for my eating disorder. My "no vending machine" rule also helped.
The Chief Engineer won't be home in time for dinner today which leaves me on my own. There's not too much interesting to eat at home, so hopefully this will help slow down or stop the binge. But I really want tomorrow to just get here and fast, so that I can make peace with not going to Williamsburg and figure out how to motivate myself to run or go to the gym without knowing I have a race to prepare for.
The obvious solution is to call up my uncle and just ask if we can visit a few times this summer. It just doesn't feel the same though. But I don't wanna.
What would you do? Go to Williamsburg because it's good for your mental stability? Or go to your aunt and uncle's place more often?