Less ED
No binge, but still restricted this morning. I think I ate 8 times today so tomorrow I'm going to try for four solid meals. Hopefully I won't be thinking about food as much. I also tend to eat junk when I go for snacks, so maybe I can focus more on foods that will make me feel good physically.
Less anxiety
The restricting today again came from family issues. I have got to stop hearing the voice of my parents' other daughter in my head. I did talk to the Chief Engineer about how upset I am at the thought that I might never have a relationship with my mother. We talked for a while and ultimately redefined 'relationship' as, "whenever we go up to Philly I take her out to lunch and I simply refuse to talk about family stuff, as there should be plenty of other topics to fill up an hour." And I'm okay with that.
I started reading a book about emotional regulation. Apparently growing up in a hoarder's home, where the hoarder refuses to admit that there is a problem, or that the environment could be upsetting to the child, primed me to not be able to deal with my emotions. This book is a "skills training manual" which should help me learn to recognize and deal with the emotions I have related to growing up in a hoarded home.
Less spending
Today's expenses were $28 for lunch for myself and a good friend, and $10 for cold medicine. The lunch was expensive but he and I go out to exactly the same place and get exactly the same thing exactly twice each month. We're nothing if not predictable! One time each month he picks up the bill, the other time it's my turn. I really look forward to our bi-weekly lunches, so it's a worthwhile expense. And I got a cold this afternoon so the cold medicine had to happen!
Less stuff
I was well and truly sick by this afternoon so nothing got decluttered. But I did try to eye some potential items to get rid of. Next stop: my drawer of workout clothes.
I'm going to go bury my head in a box of tissues now.
Well, a box of tissues is a healthier option than other things you could be doing. I actually think that expressing your feelings is probably the most important thing you can do right now.
ReplyDeleteAnd I heartily support the solid meals plan. Every few years I hear someone talking about how they've lost so much weight by eating 6-8 small meals per day, and for some stupid reason, I fall into the trap and decide to give it a try. And EVERY SINGLE TIME it sets of all sorts of ED craziness in me, and I end up either snacking on junk all day or bingeing because I feel deprived and pissed off. So NEVER AGAIN! It doesn't work for me, I KNOW it doesn't work for me, and I'm not gonna go there any more!
And don't even get me started on family anxiety and emotional baggage. I had dinner with my parents today and then, of course, came home and had a big fight with CatMan because I was pissed off at my dad.
And it was all completely predictable... Dad asked me to do something for him, and against my better judgement I agreed. So I spent about 8-10 hours doing this whole graphic design project for him... and I bring him a CD with the finished product on it and what does he say? "Oh thanks... look here, I got some coupons in the mail, would you like a coupon for free gutter cleaning? How about a two for one pizza deal? Wanna come see the new coat of paint I just put on the bathroom?" WTF?!? You're not even gonna look at it?!?
But that's the way it always goes... he's helpless and needs me to do something for him, but the reality is that he doesn't care a whit about whatever the thing is, it's all just a ploy to reel me in again, and I fall for it EVERY SINGLE TIME!!! AAARRRGGGHHHH!!!
I'm 46. I should be wise to this by now. He's not gonna change, the only person who can change this equation is me. So sorry Dad, guess I just don't have time to help you out with all of your crazy problems anymore!
OK, I'm sorry to rant. It was a bad day. But hey, at least I didn't go eat a gallon of ice cream or resolve to consume only rice cakes and soda water for the next week or something self destructive like that. Small victories.
It sounds like it was really unpleasant but at the same time it sounds like it actually went really well! You survived and didn't give into ED. I'm very impressed! I'm also really impressed that you admit that bingeing still happens. My therapists all seem to think that I should get to the point where this will never happen again, so every time I binge I feel like I'm a recovery failure. It's really, really helpful for me to know that recovery can include slips like that occasionally and it's not a failure. And I'm very happy to listen to rants.
Deleteps. I'd be interested in seeing your GD work, since I have to do some of that at work. I'm the photoshop guru now that we don't have a graphic designer anymore, and I like looking at this kind of work and seeing what I can learn from people who are better with photoshop and indesign and illustrator than me.
Ha! Well, first of all, I'm no GD guru. I'm completely self taught and waaay too cheap to shell out the dough for either Photoshop or Illustrator. I use a free Photoshop knockoff called Gimp. This wasn't a big deal project... my dad has all of these books that he "wants to self publish as EBooks" and he needed covers, so I designed them for him.
ReplyDeleteThe thing is, he's had "great works of literature" that he wants to publish for many, many years now. When I bought my house he helped me with the down payment, and has also helped me pay off the mortgage, and the deal was that in exchange I would help him self publish all of his "brilliant" work.
The thing is, I have done EVERYTHING humanly possible to help him. I've researched every option, I've offered to format everything, my brother and I were all set to have his book published for a Christmas present a few years ago, but he nixed it. I've set up blogs and web pages for him, etc. etc... but the problem is that he doesn't really want to publish this stuff, he just wants to fantasize about it. As soon as it becomes possible, he loses interest, or comes up with some reason that it won't work or throws some other wrench into the deal.
But I feel soooo stuck because I promised to help him. The thing is, he could have had it all published 10 times over by now if he really wanted to. I'm starting to feel like this is just a never ending game with him and I'm getting really tired of it. Nothing I can do will EVER be enough, because what he wants really has nothing to do with publishing his stupid books. What he wants is for the world to give him some sort of stamp of approval, and if he actually published the things and didn't win a Nobel prize the whole little fantasy goes away.
OK.. hmmm... I seem to be ranting again.
Yes, bingeing still happens, although it's morphed over the years. I made a batch of peanut butter cookies, which didn't even taste particularly good. BUT, I've managed to consume pretty much the entire bunch of them over the past 3 days. Sigh. I mean, at this point, I don't really define it as a binge... I just feel like I'm unhappy about something and having this "treat" will make me feel better. The thing is... it never really does. At least I don't beat myself up about it anymore. I just figure maybe someday I'll learn that giving myself a headache and stomach ache doesn't really qualify as "making myself feel better."
On some level I know that no sort of "treat" can ever make up for the BS with my father, and the only way to "feel better" about it is to deal with the issue and stop letting him play games with me. Sigh.