Yeah, yeah, every day's a battle. I didn't binge (woo hoo!) but I did start restricting practically from the first minute I was up. I ate six times before noon, each time a few nibbles of something, but I got sick of thinking about food all the time. By dinner I was eating a full meal but it was terrifying. The Chief Engineer plated my food because I asked for only one scoop of stroganoff and he thought that wasn't enough. I'm doing okay now, but the big question is, why was I so food-focused all day?
Some of it is that I'm still feeling the physical effects of the last binge four days ago. I ate a lot of fruit and fiber today so I was feeling incredibly bloated and super body image-conscious. But I think the bigger problem was that I kept hearing my sister's voice in my head, telling me that what I said on my bodyhater blog was incredibly offensive. Not insulting (that would imply that it wasn't true.) Offensive for saying that my father was abusive (still is) and that my parents are hoarders. 'Offensive' did mean that I hit the nail on the head. It's the insults that sting that have some truth, right? Guilt for telling the truth.
I was mulling over how to tell my father why I was angry at him and that I never planned to speak to him again. By lunch I'd gotten most of it out of my head, realizing that I never have to go back into that mess again. I will deal with my mother eventually. But for now I don't have to. Goal for tomorrow: every time I think about family stuff, I will think about my old girl scout leader, who took me under her wing after all this happened and told me that it's alright not to have a relationship with people who are so dangerous to my mental health. She also never hesitates to remind me that my husband still loves me even at a size 12, and she does this with a smile that really makes me believe it. I need to picture that smile. I need to stop feeling guilty.
Most of my anxiety is financial. Not like we're in trouble, but we are rather house poor (darn 15 year mortgage.) I checked my stocks way too often today because I was bored at work. I need to pick stocks that I don't plan to sell for 10 years!
Pretty good day today -- guitar lesson ($50), medication ($17), groceries that we couldn't get at costco ($25). Talked myself out of getting a new couch!
I did finally admit that coffee makes me sick to my stomach. I'd taken up drinking it because my anti-anxiety medication makes me very sleepy. But it's time to take sleepy over sick! I left this jar of coffee crystals in my office; it was gone a few minutes later!
I did my calisthenics and now it's off to bed. Score for day one!