Thursday, October 18, 2012

Friday's Fashion Fallout: yes, an entire post about bras

If you lived through the 80s like I did, who can forget Madonna and this outfit? If you can call it that.
courtesy of

We all decided this was ridiculous, of course. I mean, I thought we had left the bullet-bra in the 1930s, when we didn't seem to know how to sew anything other than triangles?
from No kidding. I thought lingerie was supposed to attract a mate, not threaten to kill it?

No, in the 21st century we have learned. We have evolved. We have figured out how to make bras that have curves, and feminine form....and an incredible likeness to external silicone implants.
Behold, the Victoria's Secret Miraculous Bra. Guaranteed to add 2 cup sizes, for $59.99. Unlike the rest of my body, I'm quite happy with the size of my, er, tatas, but I never had cleavage. Oh, the downsides of having a huge ribcage. I thought I'd try it. The result? Sure, it added two cup sizes. But I think it did it in the wrong spot. Did I just glue a red, satiny breast implant to the outside of my chest and put a shirt over it? Why yes, I think I must've.

Me in my normal bra. See? NORMAL.
And now, me modeling the "miraculous" bra. It's an appropriate name, because only a saint could produce something this unnatural. And the most ironic part? Still no cleavage.

But apparently someone else wants to either look like a porn star or a plastic surgery case gone wrong. I sold it on ebay for $10. So I only lost $49.99 on the bra. Shudder.

The Reckoning

Item 143: The miraculous bra.
Cost: $50 in the end. And a large chunk of my feminism.
Fate: Ebay
Total money wasted on junk I never should've bought: $1554.00

 It's Friday....what have you cleaned out of your lingerie drawer today?


  1. I will totally admit to having a bra like that! It gives me long as I keep rearranging my leftover skin..err... tiny boobs haha! Thankfully I got mine for $8 at Ross. Sometimes I think the "chicken cutlet" inserts work A LOT better to create cleavage, but then you have to worry about them falling out when you bend over (oh it's happened to me). Damn boobs.

    On a side note, I watched a great documentary on Netflix, which examined a study to determine which body parts play a role in sexuality. Surprisingly, breasts are only seen as sexual in a small number of countries. Oh how I wish this was not one of them!

    1. LOL! I mean, the chicken cutlets falling out of your shirt couldn't have been funny at the time, but wow does that make for a great story!

      How strange that breasts are only seen as sexual in a few countries. I never would've guessed! What was the documentary? I'd like to watch it.

  2. Haha this is funny:) I never understood the whole cleavage thing though. I mean, I try to rearrange so that I DON*T have cleavage, LOL! I guess it's like you said Joanna.. I have narrow ribcage relative to my boobs. Which were always enough when I was young I wished they were smaller)and I've never worn a padded bra, I hate them. Which doesn't mean that I haven't wasted money buying bras that don't fit. Because I used to go by looks more than comfort. I have now found the perfect one for me, ironically it's "vintage inspired" but of course not like the sharp pointy objects from the past. Just very pretty while giving full coverage and minimal cleavage and a nice shape. Such a relief not having to try on and look for bras ever again (I hope they never discontinue..)

    1. I have a few friends who have the same bra-shopping challenges you do and they were all *so* incredibly thankful when they finally found something that worked for them. Shame that everyone says you have to go for those lovely vintage-esque styles to get anything that doesn't leave the, er, little ones, hanging out all over the place! I thought being covered up was more enticing because it left something to the imagination!

  3. I have the add-2-cup size bra from VS (designed by NASA I think I saw in the store somewhere because nerds like to dream). When I wear it, I ram my breasts into everything, especially the side boob part. It is like wearing very large mufflers on the chest, or perhaps like smuggling a two table clothes out of a fancy restaurant in your bra cups.

    My mom tried hard to buy me one of those industrial strength 4 hooks up and down pointy bras once she decided I was old enough to wear a bra (which was about 2 years after I should have had one). It was traumatizing. Luckily a sales woman intervened and I got something more age and bosom-appropriate.

    I'm with Minimalist Mommy, what are these countries???!!


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