Some things are worth the money

In my last post I debated whether it was financially worth it to take a $300-$400 vacation to run a race. The trip had been planned for months, before the specter of debt began to loom. Interestingly enough I got offered $180 worth of contract work the week before we were scheduled to go. $180 was exactly the cost of the hotel. So we decided to cash in some old frequent rider train miles and travel for free, pack as many meals as possible, vote for low-cost restaurants when we couldn't, skip the souvenirs, and JUST GO HAVE FUN. 

Ultimately it was absolutely the right choice. First off, my mental health benefitted enormously from the trip. I rarely get time to see or talk to my aunt and uncle. They are the sanest people in the family and always help me put things in perspective. I finished the race in 1:02:32, which was two minutes faster than the first time I ran the race (when I was 15 pounds lighter than I am now). Slower than last year, but only by two minutes. Take that, ED. 

Runners got a free pass to the nearby Busch Gardens Amusement park,
so Aunt C. and Uncle F.  convinced me to go. 

I'm terrified of log flumes, roller coasters, and amusement park rides in general. Aunt C. gave me a lot of encouragement and really helped me with my anxiety. I actually had fun and am *gasp* willing to do some of those roller coasters again in the future. 

We did enjoy a few meals out. One of my favorite places in Williamsburg has oreo milkshakes. I adore them and sometimes even start dreaming about them before we take the trip. I actually allowed myself to drink the whole thing which was a serious victory over ED. I drank a milkshake and the world didn't end. No guilt here. 

Almost done! So yummy.

I came back home much more relaxed than I'd left it. I ran a race, had fun, and gave ED a couple smackdowns. It was a very, very, very good weekend.  All of this was worth it. I don't think it hurt us financially very much. I think I can catch up elsewhere. Our first loan isn't even due until October. There's time. I'm back on track with my eating now. Thank you all so very much for your support. 

Get healthy and get disorganized!

A few weeks ago I stopped my antidepressant because it was making me gain weight. I've had little luck with the four antidepressants I've tried and my psych doc thought it was best to give me a few weeks off of any drugs to see where I stand after four solid years of treatment.

The result has been pretty obvious: I need to be medicated for my own safety. In the last few weeks I've been sky-high and then gone crashing to rock-bottom, suicidal lows.  Oddly enough my body image is better than ever. I finally caved and bought pants that fit. My weight has stabilized and started to turn back around. I'm bingeing far less than I did on the last med even though it was supposed to help me. It does mean though that I'm faced with a closet that looks like this.

I now own every size pant from a two to a fourteen. Each morning it's like:

Me: okay, time to get dressed! Let's head over to the nice, organized closet....

Body: hm, being nice and taught yesterday was okay, but being super bloated today will be fun! 

Me: okay...wait, what? My size 10 jeans don't fit today? They did yesterday!  (digs around in closet)

Body: Hehe, I just wanted you to get some extra exercise. Now you'll have to unpack three boxes of clothing to find the size 12 skinny jeans that you put away yesterday. Lifting heavy boxes of clothes from way up on high shelves is like weightlifting, right? Squats and weights all at once. It's the hot new exercise trend all the girls are trying!

Me: (zipping into the 12s) Wait. These are loose. (digs around for the size 10 relaxed-cut jeans that I just dumped in a random box that I've now misplaced in the pile of other boxes.) ....and now I'm late for work. ARGHH!

Body: oh, forgot to tell you, you're thirsty. Go have a drink, get a little bloated, and we can do it all again. Booyeah! Are we having fun or what?!

So the closet is a lovely mess. And so is the bedroom. Yes, those are k'nex in our bedroom.

The bedroom is a mess because we're working on the matrix room so some of the matrix room stuff was moved into there. At least there's some progress on the matrix room:

But pretty much the condo has been getting messier and messier the longer I'm off my meds. I'll be working on tidying up something and then suddenly one of the dozens of thoughts running through my head at any given minute will pop up and I'll suddenly stop and go work on something else. A few minutes later I won't remember how I got there.

These little memory lapses are making it harder to keep track of where I left things. For example, my engagement ring. This morning, after days of not wearing any of my rings at all I decided to put my wedding band and engagement ring back on. And couldn't find the ring.

We tore the place apart for an entire hour before I looked in the medicine cabinet and found the ring in a jar of soapy water that I use for cleaning jewelry. I had zero memory of having placed it there but I know I must have at some point. Thank heavens we found it!

I really hate misplacing things. This kind of thing happens all the time now and it did before I went on the meds. I miss my memory on the meds. I miss how I was able to follow through on the entire process of putting something away. I could pick up an object that was out of place, walk to the place it needed to go and replace the object without another thought interrupting the process. I would remember where I put things. Good thing I'm probably going to try another new med when I see my psych doc on Wednesday.

If you've had psychiatric meds help you, did you find that they helped your memory?