Thursday, June 4, 2015

What a year it's been, are you still the same?

Has your opinion changed?

Those are some of my favorite lyrics from a song I love, I Don't Know You Anymore, by Savage Garden. In some ways, it sums up my life since I've stopped blogging.

So here's what happened.

In January of 2014 I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder type II. Then they started throwing meds at me. Five in total. Then, I didn't realize, the medication made me crazier than I was to start with. I spent a week on a psych ward, voluntarily. I got out of the hospital and spent 9 months thinking I was well.

I wasn't. I was happy but I was bingeing more than I had in years and I was incredibly disconnected from the world, from my work, from my husband. The only things I could do well were write stories, write music, spend money, and sleep.

Of course it all came crashing down on me. In March I almost lost my job because I couldn't focus.

In April the Chief Engineer left. Whether he's coming back in another question. Some of this is to do with the mental health issues I've struggled with, some of it is his own issues, and some of it is that we've been together for 10 years and grown into different people in that time.

So where does it leave me?

I'm off the bipolar medication. Not a decision I regret, as I'm able to focus on my job-related work and on the people around me. When I went off the meds the bingeing almost all but went away! So now I mostly have the ups and downs to contend with. It's going to take a while to learn to deal with them without medication and without using the eating disorder to numb those emotions.

I have the condo to myself and the only one to pick up after me is me. I also now have a car and a car loan. I also have the guilt associated with both of these moves as I wasn't financially prepared to buy a car and I told myself that I would never lead a life where I would need a car. But I need it to see my aunt and uncle and friends who live nowhere near me, all of whom are keeping me sane right now. I have discovered that it was a huge mistake not to have a bank account to myself. I feel like I'm starting over financially, emotionally. That's not a bad thing. I made a lot of mistakes before. I'm only 32, and still willing to learn.

Back to budgeting, decluttering, and sorting myself out emotionally. I'm ready for the ride.






11 comments:

  1. Welcome back Zoe. So sorry to hear you've been on this roller coaster ride, but it sounds like you have a very positive outlook for moving forward. I know everyone's journey is different, but I can definitely feel ya on the trials of dealing with mental health issues. Hope to hear more from you as the inspiration strikes.

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  2. Great to read a post from you! Sorry to hear that life has been so up and down for you in the past year or so, but glad that you seem so positive about the future 😊

    I used to loooooove Savage Garden...mainly the first album...so I now have 'To The Moon and Back' stuck in my head...!

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    1. Hmm, the above comment had a smiley face in it which has morphed into question marks (at least whilst looking at it on my phone)...just in case you think I have peppered my comment with random punctuation...!

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    2. now you have To the Moon and Back stuck in my head! Can't complain :o) Thanks for still reading!

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  3. I've read your blog off and on over the years but, never took the time to comment. I always enjoyed your roundups of the stuff that you decided to declutter. Thought I'd actually say "hi" this time.
    Sorry to hear that you're having a rough time.

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    1. Danielle,
      Thank you so much for reading! I appreciate your support. There should be more to declutter this weekend!
      Zoe

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  4. I'm so glad to see you're back, although I wish it was under better circumstances. I definitely feel a sense of camaraderie with you and C over at The Single Dollar; There aren't many of us 30-something girls blogging about trying to figure things out. We do the best we can with what we have, and the situations we find ourselves in. I'm pulling for you!

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    1. Thanks Cindy! I've been enjoying your posts lately. I've made so many financial mistakes and seeing that you've been able to get past it and change your ways is really inspiring me. I'm looking forward to seeing where we'll both be in a year!

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  5. I read this post when you first published it and didn't comment at that time...just want to say that I love your attitude to life...so positive. Negative/bad things happen...that's life, but it's how we handle things positively, that is resilience and I reckon you have lots of that! Hope you're able to do with your life...what you want to...

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    1. Thanks for the vote of confidence, Maria! I am definitely trying to view this as an open window, even though life seems to have closed a few doors for me!

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