No, I didn't suddenly go get married again. But I'm sure you've noticed that the blog has changed its name and its URL, I have a pen name, and you can probably guess why. The family is on to me, thanks to a mistake I made. I *think* they may have found the blog, but I'm not completely sure. They did get hold of my eating disorder recovery journal and demanded that it disappear. This was preceeded by an argument between my mother and myself about her anxiety issues and the issues of abuse that related to my father after she had an hours-long attack of paranoia. I wrote about it in the ED journal. My sister's response was to say, 'how dare you shed light on this problem! now I have to hide the truth again and I think you're a horrible person for making me do that!'. She is a classic enabler. She lives in the hoarded house and does the cooking (of course no cleaning), shopping, and excuse-making for them in exchange for free rent, free use of a car, and 3500 square feet full of crap to treat as her own. She has long seen to it that my parents can continue their destructive behavior and I don't think I could look her in the eye without spitting in it. We rarely interacted to begin with and typically it was to argue over our parents' behavior, with her defending them all the way. She is dead to me now.
After a long discussion with my absolutely amazing therapist, we agreed that it is also time for me to be officially estranged from my parents. My recovery is more important than any interaction with them. It took a while to come to that decision as I have spent the last few years trying to have a "good" relationship with my mother. But my therapist helped me see that every interaction with my mother in the last year has been filled with little else but complaints from her about life, and blaming everything else for her problems in life. This always left me depressed, having to spend time undoing my mother's constant messages of doom and gloom. Depression has played a major role in my eating disorder and I can't be dragged back down into that.
In a year or two I may try to re-establish connections to my parents on an individual basis, and only seeing them in neutral locations or in my own home (where I can kick them out when they do stuipd, disordered things.) I will not see them together again for a long, long time. they will not be allowed to discuss the other person in my presence. I'm taking a minimum of nine months to give myself time to heal. I don't care if my mother gets help or not. I will see them when I'm ready. This will hurt her, I'm sure. But I'm tired of being hurt by her. I'm tired of her exaggerations, of the worsening hoarding, of her denial of her problems, of her paranoia.
They can yell, they can scream, they can blame it on me, but I won't stop talking. I won't let them silence me about the emotional damage from the hoarding. They can and will tell me I'm a horrible human being. I won't let them silence me about the physical abuse. I won't let them silence me about my sister's enabling behavior. I won't let them silence me about my mother's worsening anxiety, depression, and hoarding.
I will not stay silent about the role all of these things have played in perpetuating my eating disorder. Silence lets the abusers win. So, dear readers, my name is now Zoe Tucker. I'm a child of hoarders and I Don't Hoard is my blog about that experience. It looks a little different but it's the same as the IWBAHT blog from before. If you're here for the first time, welcome.
My eating disorder recovery journal will not be linked to this blog, but please comment if you would like its new URL and I'll send you a message. I'll be away for the next two weeks on vacation but when I return, it'll be with a vengance. And I will be posting the final set of pictures from the hoarded house before I move on with a blog that focuses on moving on in my life without the destructive family members.
Today is my day and I have an awesome future ahead of me. I have great friends, an incomprehensibly amazing husband, a wonderful home (and a new guitar too!!! squee!!). I live in a great place and I get to do wonderful things at work and in my free time. I will not think of worst-case scenarios. I will recover from my eating disorder and enjoy life more than ever, and I won't let them bring me down.
You got what it takes you can win
Today is your day to begin
Don't give up here, don't you quit
The moment is now, this is it
If you know that you can then you will
Get to the top of the hill
Part of the fun is the climb
You just gotta make up your mind
That today is your day
And nothing can stand in your way
Today is your day
Everything's going your way
Today, today, today, today
When somebody throws sticks and stones
All they can break are your bones
And life's gonna kick you around
Then kick you again when you're down
But today is your day
And nothing can stand in your way
Today is your day
Everything's going your way
Today, today, today, today
Life's gonna kick you
It's gonna kick you around
It's gonna kick you down
Brush yourself up, no regrets
This is as good as it gets
Don't expect more or less
Just go out and give it your best
Today is your day
And nothing can stand in your way
Today is your day
Everything's going your way
Today, today, today, today
"today is your day" by shania twain
Woo Hoo!!!!! Congratulations on taking this enormous step toward recovery!
ReplyDeleteI haven't blogged about my mother much - people don't tend to "get it" why a daughter would be estranged from her mother unless you go into great detail, and frankly, I'm at the point in my life when I'm just sick of feeling like I have to justify my life to anyone.
But I basically came to the conclusion many years ago that having a relationship with her was detrimental to me. I tried for years and years to get her to change, to get her to get help, to try to be in the middle of it all. But the truth is that her life is her life, and it's also her responsibility. She doesn't want to face anything, and that's her prerogative, but I don't have to live in the land of denial and abuse with her.
It just boiled down to this, she wanted me to basically shut up and pretend that everything was OK, and that was killing me. She doesn't understand - on some level I think she can't let herself understand because then her entire house of cards would come tumbling down upon her. But I can't (and won't) pretend anymore.
I know that my refusal to have a relationship with her hurts her feelings, and I do still feel guilty... at least until I have some interaction with her and then, after I dig out from the psychological damage left in her wake, I remember WHY I don't have a relationship with her!
I haven't seen my mother since 2001. My brother sent me some photos a few months ago and I'm still not sure I've recovered. She's WAY over 450 pounds by now, needs a walker, and even so she can barely function - I'm not sure she's gonna live much longer. My brother's all wrapped up in the middle of it trying to goad her into exercise and diet routines.... He doesn't understand that her weight and compulsive eating is just a symptom of much, MUCH deeper psychological problems.
It used to make me angry, but now it just makes me sad. But at least I have my own life, and I'm no longer caught in my mother's web of lies, excuses, denial, and abuse.
I know this is hard, but it's also liberating. It really, REALLY is YOUR life! And as much as they will try to make you feel otherwise, it's not your responsibility to fix them, or help them, or to put yourself in a position to be abused by them - even the subtle kind of abuse is still abuse.
This is day one... your whole life is ahead of you. Rejoice!
"The day that you stop running is the day that you arrive."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Y7O4mgSV4Q
xoxoxo,
Cat
BTW - Cat isn't my real name either.
p.s. I'd love to have the URL for the eating disorder blog. You can email me at ecocatlady at gmail dot com.
"She wanted me to basically shut up and pretend that everything was OK, and that was killing me," I can't put it better. That's exactly how it is. I'm telling myself that in a year or two I may be able to handle seeing that it's not okay and just ignoring it, but it's absolutely killing me now and I'm having trouble imagining how I'll go from this killing me to it not bothering me. I really appreciate hearing you say what you've said. I've felt so alone, I've felt like no one would listen, and you understand *completely.* thank you, thank you, thank you. I'll email you the link to the new blog.
DeleteBig Hugs... :-)
DeleteWelcome to Zoe Tucker!! You've been really brave, I think your therapist is right, this is the true path to recovery: may the Universe bless you and grant you the strength to win your battle!
ReplyDeleteBig hugs :)
thank you!
DeleteGo Zoe! Rah, rah, rah!!
ReplyDelete:) Donna
Thanks Donna! Everyone at COH has been such a help lately. Thanks to you all.
DeleteCongratulations on making the decision to keep writing and to stop interacting with the people who are causing you grief. Breaking off contact with someone is hard, but if you have gotten to the point where you don't see any other option then that is what is right for you to do. You need to do this for your own health and no one who truly loves and understands you should try to make you change your mind. Only you will know when you are ready to have contact again, if ever. Don't let anyone bully you into making that decision. I've chosen to cut ties with a relative (interestingly, not my HM but her sister, who was a bully to my HP) and only re-established contact several years later. It was the best thing for each of us. She learned and I felt relieved of the pressure of needing to be nice just because she was a relative. In my husband's family this has happened numerous times, and like with your mother, it had a lot to do with undiagnosed/untreated mental illness.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the encouragement, TC. I'm only starting to see my other family members' attempts to guilt-trip me into talking to my mother again is just bullying. Funny how realizing what it actually is makes me completely unwilling to put up with it. Thanks :o)
DeleteAfter seeing my husband's grandmother force his sister to invite their hallucinating, out-of-control, unmedicated bi-polar mother to her wedding - with predictably awful results - I can't ever condone forcing people to interact even if they are family. She had initially refused to invite her mother, who had been writing and calling her daughter and saying awful, hateful things to her. When grandmother found out, she bullied her granddaughter to change her mind. It was bad for everyone involved and did nothing to improve the relationship. Anyone who thinks that this is a good idea should be required to speak to a therapist first!
ReplyDeleteha, and therein lies the rub. how my family hates therapy. ugh!
ReplyDeleteHang in there. It will be difficult I'm sure. My mom is a pack rat and was on the verge of being a hoarder before my dad got ill and started staying home more. It's best to get yourself healed and strong (that strong foundation) before tackling the source(s). Good luck on staying strong and creating that strong foundation.
ReplyDeleteYes, I would like its new URL btw. :-)
Thanks, Gennevia. Thanks for the support :o)
DeleteI've decided to just continue with one blog, so stay tuned!