The last couple weeks have been filled with breakthroughs in eating and hoarding habits. I pretty much had a nervous breakdown early last week and ended up taking a full two days off work to recover and visit my psychiatrist to figure out what was going on.
I’d been struggling terribly with my eating disorder since completing intensive outpatient treatment, badly enough that I’ve come to see it as a mini-relapse. It’s okay, I’m back on my feet and actually better than ever. But something I did on those two days off really helped. I FINALLY did project 333!
I’d gained a lot of weight since starting treatment three years ago. I used to wear a size 4; now I’m a 12. It didn’t happen overnight and because of that I own a LOT of clothes that don’t fit, don’t feel good, and don’t look good. Forcing myself into those too-small clothes was making me miserable and actually triggering my binge/restrict cycle, which was just making me heavier. When I finally figured that out I realized that I absolutely had to put away everything that didn’t fit and everything that I didn’t love.
I got everything out of the closet, out of every drawer. Here it all is on the couch. This doesn’t include outerwear, suits, or workout clothes.
I was surprised, it didn’t look like much. But it totaled:
6 Shorts and capris
14 Pairs of dress pants
4 Pairs of jeans
28 Work blouses
That’s a lot of clothes! 109 items, to be exact. I went through everything and left only what I loved and what fit. I didn’t even make it to 33 items. I was shocked! I actually have to buy clothes to complete my 33 items and so that I don’t have to walk around half-naked, since I don’t fit in any of my shorts and many of my shirts anymore.
This is the huge pile of boxes of clothes that I don’t fit into. And one very exhausted me.
I’m letting myself go out shopping next week to get three pairs of shorts and two shirts. Normally I would make myself wait or get the cheapest thing. But I realize that I’m probably going to be a size 12 for a long time and that I deserve decent clothes, and wearing clothes that make me look or feel bad can send me right back into the middle of my disorder. At least it’s only 5 items.
Next week I’ll update on my final selections and my completed closet!
You're probably wondering, what am I doing with the huge pile of boxes? It’s gone back into the closet. My dietician feels that I’ve probably topped out at my weight and she expects a bit to come off in the next year as I shake the last of my eating disorder and settle into my natural weight. The clothes that don’t fit will go out next May 1st. Whatever size I am by next May is the size I’m going to be, and no smaller. I know it's an excuse, but it's been an emotionally rough couple weeks and I'm not quite ready to let go of my thin self (and thus, the clothes) completely, just yet.