Where debt and my eating disorder meet

Ever wanted to know what it's like to have a binge? Well, here you go.

*Trigger warning for those with eating disorders.**

from shirt.woot.com

This morning I continued a conversation with the Chief Engineer, one we've been having for a couple weeks now. Do we cancel our trip with my aunt and uncle to Williamsburg or not? Cancelling it will save between $200 and $300.

I absolutely love the foot race that's the reason we go to Williamsburg every year. The race in 2012 was the first time I completed an 8k while still struggling daily with my eating disorder. It was a huge win for me, proving that I can still run even though I'm not thin anymore. Last year it was even more special because I don't have a relationship with most of my family anymore, except for my aunt and uncle, and I got to spend a lot of time with them.

The CE and I informally came to the conclusion that Williamsburg is probably an unnecessary expense right now. It left me seriously depressed the whole morning. My mother is also coming to visit for this mother's day, though I'm still so angry that she refuses to divorce my abusive father that I can barely talk to her anymore.

By 10:00 this morning I was so upset and so unsure of what to do with my feelings. The idea of going to see my aunt and uncle at another time just doesn't seem to live up to the fun we always have in Williamsburg. And besides, ED says that if we we're not going, then I have no reason to stay in shape, right? No reason to eat well, right? Go ahead and binge.

And that's exactly what happened.

First it started with the chocolate in one cabinet. Then the chocolate in another. Then it turned into the ice cream in the freezer. Then to the chips. Then I stopped. I was more or less out of interesting food. At this point I turned to the vending machines, but stopped. I had promised myself that I would skip the vending machines until our debts were paid off. So that's what I did. I can spend $10-$20 on binge foods in a typical binge. I kept eating what was around the house. Telework days are not good for my eating disorder. My "no vending machine" rule also helped.

The Chief Engineer won't be home in time for dinner today which leaves me on my own. There's not too much interesting to eat at home, so hopefully this will help slow down or stop the binge. But I really want tomorrow to just get here and fast, so that I can make peace with not going to Williamsburg and figure out how to motivate myself to run or go to the gym without knowing I have a race to prepare for.

The obvious solution is to call up my uncle and just ask if we can visit a few times this summer. It just doesn't feel the same though. But I don't wanna.

What would you do? Go to Williamsburg because it's good for your mental stability? Or go to your aunt and uncle's place more often?

urge to splurge

Have you figured out why you shop? I shop when I'm feeling great, to heighten the awesomeness I'm feeling. I shop when I'm feeling sad, to cheer myself up. Today, I felt fat. Fat apparently isn't a feeling, or so my therapist says. Translation? I felt incompetent. I felt ugly. I wasn't willing to let myself binge to make myself feel better (go me!) but all day I had a building desire to go to Ann Taylor. I needed to go. I was going to go crazy if I didn't.

On Thursday nights I take a class downtown. (In)conveniently, Union Station happens to be a fine place for me to hop off the train and walk to class. But this is America, so it's not just a train station...

 

It's also a mall. 

 With laser-beam focus I hustle my way up to the Ann Taylor on the second floor, with visions of 4" heels floating in my head....

Wait, WHAT?!? Closed?

 *Gasp.* Panic. How can Ann Taylor <3 DC if it's under renovation? How dare they!

My plan was foiled. But the desire to acquire is still strong with this one. So I turned around and sulked my way down the hallway. Until I found this.

No, it's not a dentist's office in a mall, though I've heard they do that. It was eyebrow threading. I have big, dark eyebrows that would make Sesame Street's Bert jealous. I hadn't had mine done in ages and these were only $12. I had been trying to save money by not getting my eyebrows done but I think I was just making myself feel worse about my personal care. But this was half the price of what I usually pay. *This* was something that would make me feel better!

Ten minutes later I felt much better, much more put-together and presentable. And my desperate need to go buy something? Well, the desire was still there. But it wasn't screaming at me anymore. I headed outside and enjoyed a relaxing walk across the National Mall to class.

Just another walk to night school. I love this town.

I feel like I won in every way possible. I gave ED a kick in the rear end, I don't have a $100 charge for shoes on my credit card, and I don't have yet another pair of shoes I don't need cluttering up my closet. Hoarding habits AND ED beaten with just a $12 eyebrow job. Taking care of myself has so many rewards.

My mom always put my sister and me first. Always. And while that sounds like a good thing, I realize now how bad it was because it meant that she never took care of herself. You can fight hoarding with meds. You can fight hoarding with therapy. Or you can fight hoarding by taking care of yourself.

Please take care of yourself, mom.

Making it count

The hubs and I went over our expenses yesterday. We've been married since October 2010 and still haven't quite figured out how to make combining our finances work well for us.

The biggest problem is that I'm a spender. When I'm stressed I spend or indulge my eating disorder. As the eating disorder gets better, the spending and acquiring seems to get a little worse.

I want less junk and more experiences in my life. We both want a bigger financial cushion. I've always lived within my means but it's time to start to keep an eye on the money leaving my wallet as well as the junk coming and going from the house.

This blog's conjoined twin, The Lottery Project (because everything has to be a project, doesn't it?), is now my open diary of my spending. It's my attempt to make progress doing more of the things on my list of what I would do if I won the lottery, AKA, the things that would make me happy in life. If I'm going to spend money I should be spending it on the experiences I want to have, not on silly junk and e-books I'll only read once. I'll likely update that blog only a few times a month. This blog is still my focus; that one is mostly my ledger. But I think the accountability of posting my expenditures online will whip me into shape. I hope!

Item 132: I am such a couch couscous! okay, nobody remembers that commercial.

While I'm talking about wasting less, let's throw in today's decluttered item.We went through the cabinets a while back to find anything that had been sitting around too long. We ate through everything else and this was the only thing we didn't want. It may be July but it's easy to forget that food pantries need goods year-round and now is the perfect time to clear out your cabinets (when is it not a perfect time to clean out our cabinets?) This box was a 'gift' from a friend. I put it in the Summer food donation campaign box at our office.