A Handful of Pills Can Get a Little Out of Hand

Part of the reason I checked myself into a psychiatric hospital back in August was that my meds were no longer doing their job. I was suicidal on a daily basis and paralyzed by anxiety, and I knew it. I felt it was important that I be somewhere where I would be safe from myself, and somewhere my medications could be adjusted safely. This is because medications are unpredictable. One major change in meds could take me from suicidal to happy, or happy to suicidal. Or anything in between.

Luckily we mostly figured out my meds in the hospital. I've had a few tweaks lately and it's made taking my medication more confusing, and I've been missing doses. That's not helping me manage anything. Here's my new system for organizing my meds. 

Before: my bathroom sink loaded with meds 'n stuff

 

 An old train case became the perfect place for all of my meds and viatmins. 

I've labeled the tops of the Rx bottles so I know what they are without having to remove the bottles.

All nice and organized!

 

Hopefully it will make it a little easier to take this lovely little pile of pills each day. Yuck. 

Paging Nurse Ratchet

The girl who used to post almost every week suddenly stopped writing, with no warning. So what happened?

My bipolar disorder pushed me to a breaking point, so I spent 5 days on a locked psych ward. Voluntarily. And in some peculiar way it changed my life, for the better.

It's been a while, a lot has happened since then, but I think I'm ready to write, and to respond to the folks out there who have shared your words of strength, support, and affection with me.

Oh, and to get back to writing about uncluttering and de-hoarding. Because my closet is a disaster :o)

Thank you all again for your support. Look for more from me in the coming days!

Gifts from the hoarder parents and more money wasted

I learned a long time ago to never admire anything in my mother's presence, because she would immediately run out and buy it for me. Exhibit A:

I stopped by my parents' house last week, just for an hour. My mother made excuses about how there are still piles of things that are headed for the thrift shop (sure, I'll believe that when pigs fly.)  But it wasn't the stuff in the living room that bothered me. No, it was the "care package" I got without asking for it.

My mother sent me home with a box of gluten-free pasta (no problem, I'll eat that). Next was a huge box of coffee filters, a brick of coffee, and a ceramic coffee maker.

For the record, I vehemently dislike drip coffee. This incredible disdain for coffee ran so deep within my soul that when I was at a family party at the age of two, I snuck a sip of my uncle's coffee, then promptly spat it back all over him.

At this point I only drink lattes. But apparently my mother thought I needed all of this coffee-making stuff. The multiple times I said "I'm really okay without it" were ignored. Finally I gave up and went home with the bag of stuff. Nevermind the fact that I have NO SPACE in my cabinets!

In fairness, I did give the Melitta coffee maker thing a try. It just didn't work out for me. It was too watery, the water drained too fast, and I had to waste two filters and two tablespoons of coffee to get 2 ounces of strong espresso-style coffee each time I tried.

I will see my parents again this weekend as we have another wedding to attend. I will return the coffee maker, filters, and coffee. If she refuses to take it, I'll drop it off at the thrift store. Gosh, I hope she didn't spend a lot of money on this stuff. Is it so hard to call someone first and ask if they really want a particular thing, before going right out and buying it? Why continue to pour money down the drain when a simple question could solve that problem?

Do your family members randomly give you stuff you don't want/ask for?

~~~~~~~~~~

**For those of you who remember that I stopped talking to my parents last year, here's what's happened since:

I'm back on vaguely speaking terms after enjoying nine months of freedom from the hoard and all of the absurd behavior that accompanies it. It finally seemed to click with my parents that if they want me in their life, I expect them to get a little bit of help for their disorders. After nine months, they are far more stable than before. I feel safe enough for short visits. Thanks to everyone for their support during that time.

A cheap and fun weekend

In keeping with our goal to dramatically cut back spending on anything that isn't food or medical expenses we planned a cheap weekend filled with good food and good times, a couple errands, and a very small treat for me.

My best friend from work lives out in the country so normally we'll just hang out around where we work. But fortunately for our friendship, Miles' next door neighbor is a certified Honda mechanic and our car needed a bit of work. Andrew does all of the work on our car at a fraction of the price at the dealership. This means we had another excuse to visit my friend.  The car got fixed, we saved a bundle, and Andrew got to make some extra money.  Good all around.

So while Andrew was working, Miles, his girlfriend Mara, the Chief Engineer and I enjoyed a good lunch and literally hours of conversation. Miles then took us to a really awesome used bookstore. In the DC area used bookstores don't exist because they don't make enough money. This was an hour outside of the city so the used bookstores were back and it was a real treat. Sadly there's no picture of me skipping down the aisles.

Miles is hiding in there somewhere

We did splurge and I got a hardback book for $5. I'm devouring it and I'm sure it'll be a book I read several times over. I skipped the chocolate-covered maple-smoked bacon soda and the Leninade that they offered at the cash register. Perhaps next time. Got a good laugh out of it though.

How was your weekend?

Office decluttering before and after!

 I'm back to decluttering again. The office is one place that I keep meaning to declutter and it never really happens. This AM I finally bit the bullet and started cleaning my two largest drawers.

Before

Drawer 1: Towel for the days I run at lunch, several pairs of heels, 3 umbrellas, and a push-up bra?!

Drawer 2: more shoes, another umbrella, a winter hat, my lunch bag for the day, an ice cube tray and a box of grapenuts.

I decided to declutter by completely emptying out the drawers and then adding items back in. 

This is how it looks now.

After 

 

This drawer is now for bags and the day's items. The red bag contains a reusable grocery bag. Both bags will stay there for use on days when I have large items to carry home. The blue bag was my handbag for the day, and the tall thing was a sodastream cylinder to take back home to get refilled. 

 

 The top drawer is now my food drawer. I eat breakfast and my afternoon snack at the office so there are several shelf-stable food items: oatmeal, tinned fruit, sardines, instant latte mix, protein powder, and the red tin has jars of peanut butter and packets of grits and grapenuts for breakfast.  The purple tin contains tea and coffee. I keep enough plates/cups/silverware for two meals or two people. The white box is my box for dirty dishes, which makes it easy to do the cleaning before I leave. 

I can't say it's minimalist, but I can say that every single item in that drawer will get used at least once a week.

Now on to the other drawers!

What the Spanish taught me about money

This is what I feel like I've been doing with money lately. Money can never make it to the piggy bank because I burn it on a new kitchen. A trip to Williamburg. A trip to Spain. Meals out. Trinkets on the internet.

Yes, the kitchen's gorgeous and was ultimately worth the expense. It took up a lot of time and kept me from feeling bored or depressed. Going to Spain was also another expensive distraction. Williamsburg was a trip to lift my mood (and reconnect with good family).

In Spain I lived for three weeks with a wonderful, wonderful 76 year-old lady. This woman had her life figured out. She was extremely wealthy but didn't live like it. She took students because they were interesting, not because she needed the moolah. She lived off the interest of her many assets and mostly spent money on two things:

 

Food. The food she made was incredible, and I took notes. After a couple weeks I noticed something weird. I had absolutely no desire to eat out. At all. When I got home I heard a quote from Paul Newman: "Why should I go out for a burger when I've got a steak at home?"  Her food was so good that I didn't miss eating out one bit.

Quality time with family and friends. She'd visit her daughter and grandson weekly. Each day at 10 AM she'd go take a walk and meet friends for a $2 coffee, then chat away the morning. Her adult son stopped by each day for lunch (this is normal in Spain).

I didn't see her spend money on anything else except medicine, rent and utilities. She cleaned the house daily and it was immaculate and a joy to stay there. And in spite of being a widow she was one of the happiest people I've ever met. I don't think my home needs to be immaculate but I do think that a clean, decluttered home makes you want to stay and relax there and not need so many distractions.

What to take from this? If my goal is to stop shopping to fill an emotional void, I want to try to attack that emotional void like a Spaniard.

1. Focus more on preparing really, really good food.
2. Spend more time with friends
3. Clean the house a bit every day.
4. Walking every day.

These things should make me happy and take up quite a bit of time. I'll be less bored, healthier, and happier, I hope. Maybe less in debt in the end. It's an experiment. Let's see how it goes!

I'm back!

Hello everyone! I'm back from my study abroad trip to Spain albeit a little early. The country was beautiful, the people were wonderful, and I learned a lot about a great many things. And my history class was pretty awesome too. I think it was one of the best classes I've taken in the course of many, many years in school because the professor taught me a new way of thinking about the events of the past.

 

A recap of some of the sights we enjoyed:

Oh look, the new king and queen!

 

We arrived the day before the coronation.

We got up early and got a spot on the parade route right at the edge of the barricade. Super exciting.

 

Famous sites...The Puerta de Alcala in Madrid

Over-looking the royal palace and the cathedral in Madrid

 

Don Quijote's windmills along the road to LaMancha

 

The mosque/cathedral in Cordoba

 

I am also now addicted to lattes, as in Spain they are excellent and very cheap. This is a problem. But figuring out how to get a latte fix that tastes like it's Spanish and is priced like it too should be an adventure! Any suggestions?

Now back to decluttering, learning to spend less and be happy where I am in life.

Back in a While

I'm headed out today for my long-awaited six-week trip to Spain. The first week the Chief Engineer will sightsee in Madrid, then he'll return home and I'll begin classes at a University for the next five weeks. It's truly a dream come true and I can't wait to get to practice my Spanish. Thank you to all of those who have posted comments of support during the last few weeks. They were wonderfully inspiring and I'm in a much better place now thanks to all of you, your thoughts and your prayers. See you all when I return!

Some things are worth the money

In my last post I debated whether it was financially worth it to take a $300-$400 vacation to run a race. The trip had been planned for months, before the specter of debt began to loom. Interestingly enough I got offered $180 worth of contract work the week before we were scheduled to go. $180 was exactly the cost of the hotel. So we decided to cash in some old frequent rider train miles and travel for free, pack as many meals as possible, vote for low-cost restaurants when we couldn't, skip the souvenirs, and JUST GO HAVE FUN. 

Ultimately it was absolutely the right choice. First off, my mental health benefitted enormously from the trip. I rarely get time to see or talk to my aunt and uncle. They are the sanest people in the family and always help me put things in perspective. I finished the race in 1:02:32, which was two minutes faster than the first time I ran the race (when I was 15 pounds lighter than I am now). Slower than last year, but only by two minutes. Take that, ED. 

Runners got a free pass to the nearby Busch Gardens Amusement park,
so Aunt C. and Uncle F.  convinced me to go. 

I'm terrified of log flumes, roller coasters, and amusement park rides in general. Aunt C. gave me a lot of encouragement and really helped me with my anxiety. I actually had fun and am *gasp* willing to do some of those roller coasters again in the future. 

We did enjoy a few meals out. One of my favorite places in Williamsburg has oreo milkshakes. I adore them and sometimes even start dreaming about them before we take the trip. I actually allowed myself to drink the whole thing which was a serious victory over ED. I drank a milkshake and the world didn't end. No guilt here. 

Almost done! So yummy.

I came back home much more relaxed than I'd left it. I ran a race, had fun, and gave ED a couple smackdowns. It was a very, very, very good weekend.  All of this was worth it. I don't think it hurt us financially very much. I think I can catch up elsewhere. Our first loan isn't even due until October. There's time. I'm back on track with my eating now. Thank you all so very much for your support. 

This is what relapse looks like

So my mother came and visited us last weekend. There are no words besides "epic disaster" that can describe what happened.

I stopped talking to my mother last June. She got into a car accident which then launched her into a panic attack in which she repeated "Your father's going to divorce me" over and over again. For eight hours, until I went home. My father has been emotionally abusive my whole life, but I also forced him to get medicated back in 2005. This "I don't like what you did, now I'm divorcing you and leaving you with nothing" behavior was typical and frequent of him before he was medicated, but not really afterwards.

So, a week later, I checked with my uncle. My uncle said that indeed my father had said that he was going to divorce my mother and that he would be out of the house by August. At that point, I wrote my mother a letter saying that I was going to take some time for myself. When I was ready I would contact her. I ignored my father because he'd made it pretty clear over the years that I didn't matter much.

A month ago or so I figured that I should contact my mom before I go to Spain. I figured things would be alright since, after all, my eating disorder had been behaving very well since I stopped talking to my family.

So my mother came to visit and dumps on me some new information: no, my father never actually threatened to divorce her this time. All the info I used to make a decision to cut them both off was apparently false.

Or was it? I trust my uncle more than I trust my parents. I still haven't been able to get hold of my uncle.

Unfortunately, I have been able to get my hands on lots of food. I binged seven days straight after my mother left. My binges were so bad that I gained seven pounds in that week. In the entire history of my eating disorder, no binge lasted longer than four days. This was singularly the worst binge I've had in thirteen years.

So why did I binge? I wanted to numb the feelings of confusion, anxiety and deceit. I can't trust either one of my parents. At that point in time we also had decided not to go to Williamsburg, so I had no motivation to run or to try to eat healthy. I completely threw in the towel.

My dietician has been very helpful. She made it clear that anytime I interact with my parents, I need to be prepared to deal with ED screaming at me for a good week afterwards, not just hours or days. I'm seeing both her and my therapist this week.

And I think it may be time for another letter to my mother. I obviously need more time away from her.